Reckless
by katiefoxe
Summary: "...he wondered what it would be like to stay like that forever. If she were to never let him go."
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not really sure where this came from and it might remain a one shot because it's late, I'm tired and there's a possibility it doesn't make any sense! Let me know what you think :)**

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Drinks! He never went for drinks. He'd seen the surprise on all their faces when he had walked into Albie's. Elliot had immediately welcomed him whilst everyone else had eyed him warily. A muttered remark from Jac Naylor, polite but nervous greetings from the two F1's and a raised eyebrow from her.

She had made room for him on the sofa and he'd sat down squeezed between her and Mo Effanga.

He'd asked himself why he was there and he couldn't come up with an answer other than the pathetic acknowledgement that he hadn't wanted to be alone.

Maja's news the week before had rattled him. He'd thought of little else since, despite his best efforts to distract himself.

A grandfather.

He couldn't imagine it.

He was going to be a grandfather. No matter how many times he said it to himself it didn't seem real. But then, he reasoned, how could it? How could he feel like a grandfather when he had never felt like a father?

He barely registered finishing his first drink until a second was pushed into his hand by Jonny Maconie.

The look on Maja's face when she walked out of his office plagued him. If he was honest it was the look he had expected to receive when he went to Stockholm. He had been surprised by how easily she had seemed to forgive him and it made him believe even more that he had made the right decision. She was much happier with Nils than she ever would have been with him. He had pretended to himself that this thought didn't sting. Good old Nils, friendly, dependable Nils. His best friend at one time.

When he had first discovered years ago that Nils and Maja had married it felt as though he had been kicked in the stomach. The thought of them together, the thought of her with anyone really, but especially Nils. Nils who had known how much his best friend loved and adored her. Then he realised he was being selfish and stupid. He had walked out on her. He had no right to expect her not to move on with her life.

Eventually he had convinced himself to be happy for them. To be glad that she and the child had someone to take care of them.

But now, Maja and Nils were no longer together and he had seen the look in her eyes as she told him. That look that she had when she touched his elbow and reminisced about happier times and broken promises. For a moment it was almost as if they were back on that jetty but he pushed the thought aside. He couldn't afford to become sentimental. If he gave in now then it would all have been for nothing.

More jokes about Connie Beauchamp and a third drink being pressed into his hand. Serena's hand casually patting his knee as she laughed.

Maja touching his elbow. He disliked being touched. It made him uncomfortable. It reminded him of what he gave up, of what he didn't deserve. Of what he missed.

Maja had been the only one. His first. His last.

For some reason this thought suddenly angered him. He was fifty years old and he had only ever been with one woman - half his lifetime ago. And it wasn't as though he had not been tempted, had not wanted other women. God the number of times he had thought about being with Sahira… But he never did anything about it. When it came right down to it he was too afraid. Too afraid to admit needing someone, too afraid to let go of his self-restraint. He had built his life on the persona of being cool and aloof Mr Hanssen. Always in control, enigmatic. The less people know about you the less vulnerable you are to them discovering your weaknesses. And no one is more vulnerable than when they admit to loving someone.

The idea of being with someone without loving them seemed pointless. But what if he'd been wrong? What if that was the best way? The only way not to get hurt?

The F1's called it a night, mumbling more nervous goodbyes at him. Mo Effanga moved to another chair leaving more space on the couch. He was about to give Serena more space when she put her hand on his knee again and asked him if he wanted another drink. He shouldn't have anymore, he'd lost count already, but he heard himself replying that he would and she got up to go to the bar. He made more space on the couch and chided himself for accepting another drink. Jonny was clearly intoxicated and Jac was berating him whilst Mo giggled uncontrollably. Sharon Kozinsky and Elliot were in their own little world as they chatted, practically nose to nose. Hanssen hadn't realised they were in a relationship. They seemed an unlikely pairing, no more than Jonny and Jac. Although apparently Naylor and the nurse were no longer a couple. He watched them as Jonny reached out to pat Jac's stomach and she slapped his hand away and glared at him causing Mo to erupt in fits of laughter again at the look on Jonny's face.

They weren't even a couple anymore and yet Jonny was playing the role of supportive father-to-be. He hadn't run away. He hadn't shirked his responsibilities. But then, in all likelihood Jonny Maconie would be an excellent parent. The man had empathy and patience.

Serena returned and despite the extra room on the couch he felt her pressed against him again when she sat after handing him his glass.

Closing time came and he offered to share a taxi with her. They let Elliot and Sharon take the first one and waited for another to arrive at the taxi rank. Jac had driven Mo and Jonny home. There was a slight chill in the air despite it being August and he noticed her shiver slightly as she checked her phone and grumbled under her breath. The light from a nearby street lamp was almost like candlelight and he noted how it softened her features, although the alcohol may also have contributed to the lack of wariness in her expressions. She always looked slightly intrusting when she spoke to him. He realised he probably looked the same when talking to her. They both had reason not to trust. But for some reason lately he had found himself forgetting that and letting her in more.

'Bloody ex's.' she hissed. 'There should be a law that says once you break up with someone they can never ever contact you again for any reason!'

Hanssen laughed at the idea, it was hardly practical even if it was very appealing. He had found out eventually that Edward Campbell, new locum anaesthetist, was none other than Serena's ex-husband. One of the nurses on AAU had actually sent round a memo! He could only imagine what would have happened the week before had anyone known exactly who Maja was. The one and only woman that the Dreary Swede had ever slept with and then abandoned when she was pregnant. That would have kept the gossips going for the rest of the year.

He couldn't explain exactly how it was they came to be standing so close together under the street lamp, nor what it was exactly that spurred him to act as he did. But he reached out, tilting her chin upwards with his hand and bent down to press his lips to hers. He felt her stiffen and mumble something against his mouth as he raised his other hand to her neck and let his fingers run up through her hair. What would the gossips say to this, he wondered briefly.

She stepped away from him and looked at him in shock and normally he would have apologised or simply expired from embarrassment – if indeed this could ever have happened 'normally'. But he was sick and tired of his 'normality' and tonight he would not apologise for wanting.

Perhaps it was the alcohol, or perhaps she too was incited by thoughts of breaking with the past and a desire to be reckless for once, but he found himself being pulled towards her again. Her lips parting, her tongue searching his and her hands roaming inside his jacket.

The journey in the taxi was a blur. As they stumbled into his bedroom for a split second he did wonder if he had closed the front door but Serena's hands unzipping his trousers pushed all such practical thoughts aside.

Any worries he might have had that he would no longer remember how to make love to a woman were proven to be quite wrong. He enjoyed the unfamiliar moans from his colleague and the arching of her body into his as his lips and hands acquainted themselves with every inch of her. She returned the favour with a passion he never could have imagined her directing at him. They moved together and the feel of her legs wrapped around him, holding him tightly as she gasped his name, exhilarated him and he rocked against her until time and movement and sound all vanished and he collapsed, exhausted on top of her. She still clung to him and he wondered what it would be like to stay like that forever. If she were to never let him go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all so much for the reviews and messages, I really wasn't sure about this fic. Once again I've written this chapter whilst a bit sleep - but if it worked last time... ;) **

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Consciousness came to him gently. He felt as though he were floating as he lay on his back, eyes closed, breathing slowly. He moved his left hand to his side and felt for the mattress almost expecting to discover that there was nothing solid beneath him and he really was floating.

The light hurt his eyes as he opened them slowly to stare at the ceiling above him. He felt different. This was not like every other morning and then suddenly he remembered. Turning he saw her beside him, lying on her side, facing away from him. Her pale, naked back uncovered to him all the way to her waist.

He should have felt guilty, he should have been appalled by his behaviour the night before. But he didn't. He was certain that he would, later, when reality came knocking and the consequences of having slept with his Executive Clinical Director unravelled but all that could wait for now. Just for a little while longer.

He checked the time and realised reality would be knocking sooner than he had hoped. There was an inter-departmental meeting that morning. Things would in all likelihood be awkward enough without both of them turning up late and drawing attention to themselves, especially when they had both been seen at Albie's the night before.

He rolled onto his side and watched her back. He felt a sudden urge to kiss it, perhaps to wake her gently that way, but he doubted whether the gesture would be appreciated. Then again, considering what she had allowed him to do last night… But that had been last night, this was the cold light of day.

He moved closer to her and couldn't stop himself from kissing her shoulder. He mumbled her name, not really wanting to wake her even though he knew he had to. She didn't stir until he ran his fingers along her arm. He whispered her name again, told her it was morning and time to wake up.

She rolled over onto her back and with the bed clothes not reaching above her waist unknowingly exposed herself. He knew he shouldn't stare but he couldn't help it, his eyes running over her even as he told himself that the gentlemanly thing would be to cover her up. Her eyes fluttered open and his heart began to pound in his chest.

She looked confused at first and he smiled nervously at her.

'Good morning.' He spoke gently as he watched a myriad of expressions flit across her face.

She seemed to realise she was naked and with an audible gasp grabbed the covers and pulled them up almost to her chin. She looked around the room and he guessed she was piecing together the events of the night before. He saw her open her mouth to begin speaking but he didn't want to hear her regrets, not yet, so he started talking. He told her she could use the shower and explained where the towels were and said he'd make breakfast. He knew he was talking too fast, he knew he was coming across as uneasy as his eyes darted around avoiding hers. He was afraid of what he would see in her eyes, he was afraid of what she was going to say once he stopped talking.

He had to stop eventually however and looked down at his hands fidgeting with the bed clothes.

'I don't know what to say.' She admitted and when he looked at her he saw she was just as nervous, just as uncertain as he was and he felt a sense of comfort in that.

'Perhaps we need not say anything for now.' He suggested and he thought she looked relieved at that. His alarm went off and he moved to switch it off.

He'd made her toast and coffee, apologising that he had nothing better. It seemed insubstantial but she assured him it was fine and he called her a taxi whilst she ate and another for himself when he remembered his car was still at the hospital.

He walked her to the door and hovered, unsure of what to do and almost wishing that she wouldn't leave because once she stepped outside reality would walk in and then he would have to rethink his actions and all he really wanted to do was to lie in bed and watch her sleeping next to him.

She said she would see him at the meeting and he nodded but as she stepped away he heard himself suddenly thanking her.

'Thank you.'

She gave him a questioning look. He was about to say 'for last night' but then wondered if that would sound strange, it might not be appropriate and so he said nothing. He simply shrugged and stared at the door handle and fortunately she chose not to push the matter and walked away.

He had expected the guilt to kick in as soon as she left but it did not. He made his way to work with images of the night before running around his head and he felt quite pleased. He passed a few members of staff on his way inside and greeted them cheerfully, deciding to grab himself a coffee before heading to the meeting. He joined the queue behind Drs Tressler and Wilde.

Wilde gave him a polite greeting, whilst Tressler grinned at him and made a patronising comment about not seeing "on the razz" very often before asking if he'd had a good night.

You have no idea, Hanssen thought smugly to himself, whilst answering politely in the affirmative that he had. As Tressler reached the top of the queue a voice called out from near the lift asking Harry to order him a coffee whilst he was front of the queue.

The owner of the voice chatted momentarily with a young nurse before making his way over and handing Harry some change.

'Ah Mr Hanssen!' he outstretched his hand. 'Edward Campbell, locum anaesthetist…'

'And Ms Campbell's ex!' Tressler piped in.

Edward grinned at Harry's remark as they shook hands. He was everything one would have imagined Serena's ex-husband to be. Tall, handsome and self-assured with a captivating charm. Edward had been looking forward to meeting him apparently. Tressler and Wilde took their coffees and made their way to AAU but Edward waited, chatting about how much he was enjoying his time at Holby.

Hanssen took his coffee and turned just in time to see Serena swerving away having obviously seen him and her ex-husband and changed her mind about getting a coffee. Edward spotted her too and called out to her as she hurriedly hammered at the button for the lift. He had always found that the lifts in this hospital rarely didn't anyone's bidding in situations of personal panic and was not surprised that the lift had not arrived to rescue Serena by the time he and Edward reached her.

The frostiness emanating from Serena was blatant, as was Edward's apparent desire to be friendly.

He supposed that was how he had come across with Maja. Cold. Rude even.

Serena didn't look at him as the three of them journeyed in the lift together. But he could feel Edward's on him having given up trying to make conversation with Serena.

He realised, as they exited the lift, that he and Serena had not spoken a word. Edward slapped him of the back with an enigmatic smile, wishing him a good day.

'And… good luck.' Edward added with a hint of a smirk.


End file.
